Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
