i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
