it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
