I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
