I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Randomize
