i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
