No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
did i just pee glitter
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
