I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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