: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
