I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
