I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
