Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
