I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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