I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
