I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
