She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
