my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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