Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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