Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
