My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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