I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
As shirtless as possible
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
