it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
