I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
