...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
