Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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