4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
