I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You are a genius and a whore.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
