If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
