I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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