I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
