She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
