I think I died a long time ago.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
