so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
