omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
