There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
