Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
