I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
