I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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