this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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