I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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