her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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