Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
