oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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