Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I won't apologize to a one balled man
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
