My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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