He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
