ya dads aren't the best wingmen
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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