I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
