I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
