I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
