you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
