If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
