he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Randomize
