If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
