i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
